February 19, 2009
My four year old daughter would not budge! Please go and dance, I shamelessly pleaded with her. This was her third dance lesson and she refused to do anything. I tried pleading, bribing her with treats and sparkly clothes, getting a friend of hers to join the class, getting my husband and then a neighbor to take her (maybe I was the problem). I consulted my friends for advice. No dice. No dancing. After 6 expensive sessions, where she only sat watching with her head down, we gave up. The problem was I knew she wanted to dance. During the first session (which was free) she danced up a storm and had a blast. She smiled non-stop! When we went for the second session she wouldn’t dance. When I asked her why, she quietly mumbled, “I’m scared”. I replied soothingly, “It’s okay, there is nothing to be afraid of. Come on, let’s go.” This did not seem to help.
Fast forward to a year later, we’ve moved across the country and now she wants to take gymnastics lessons. I agreed. During the first two sessions she had a blast. As we were hurrying to get ready for the 3rd session she was just sitting there and not getting ready to go. I asked, “What’s wrong?” “I don’t want to go.” she replied. “Why not?” I inquired. No answer. “Are you scared?” I asked. She nodded. “Well, of course you are scared. Everyone is scared, especially when they start something new.” She looked up at me, somewhat surprised. “I remember the first time I tried riding a bike and I was super scared. But I did it, and it was fun! I know you are scared, and that’s okay, I still love you.” Her body visibly relaxed. Without saying anything she got up and got ready to go. Ten classes later, she is super excited about class. I regularly hear, “Mom, how many more days to gymnastics?”
What changed? She is older, more mature, and confident. I am also different. I’d spent the last year changing careers. I knew intense fear firsthand. Though dissolving the fear is most desirable, sometimes it helps to acknowledge the fear and do it anyways. Simply denying or discounting the fear does not work. So if you too are afraid to do something, take a deep breath and try repeating this mantra.
“I’m terrified to ask him out on a date, and that’s okay.”
“I’m terrified to quit my job and work for myself, and that’s okay.”
“I’m terrified to run the marathon, and that’s okay.”
“I’m terrified to put my new toe nail clipper designs up for sale, and that’s okay.”
“I’m terrified to go skinny dipping, and that’s okay.
“I’m terrified to leave academia, and that’s okay.
Whatever it is that you are afraid of, if you still really want to do it, acknowledge the fear and do it anyways.
